Change Your Mind ~ Change Your Life

Power Struggles: Being Right or Being Loving

Mon, 24 Apr 2023 11:15:00 GMT

Control/Resist Dynamics

Talisha and Damien were always bickering. Every little thing seemed to become an issue between them. They loved each other very much, but the bickering was certainly getting in the way of enjoying each other.

I asked Talisha and Damien to come up with some recent conflicts so I could experience what was happening between them. They had conflicts over time, money, child rearing, family, and chores. The dynamic between them was the same no matter what the issue: One of them would complain about something like the house being messy or the other person not being on time, and the other would argue, explain and defend. Then they would go back and forth, each one defending and explaining their position. Neither one listened to the other or even seemed to care about the other’s feelings or position. They would each get locked into their positions, seeing themselves as right and trying to convince the other person to see it their way. They were stuck in a control-resist conflict dynamic.

In this system, one person approaches the other with the intention to win, to be right - to control. The other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into active resistance. One is trying to win and the other is trying not to lose; one is trying to be right and the other is trying not to be wrong. As long as their intentions were to control and not be controlled, they were stuck in the control-resist loop. They had no way of reaching resolution on any of their issues.

While Talisha and Damien loved each other, caring was not a part of this dynamic. As soon as an issue came up, they stopped caring about the health of the marriage, and each other. They were so intent on winning, or not losing, that caring went out the window.

At any given moment you can operate in one of two intentions, either to control or to compassionately learn. The problem is that both Talisha and Damien immediately choose the intent to control, which will always result in non-stop bickering. Instead of immediately choosing to win or control, both spouses should take turns seeking to understand each other from the other spouse’s point of view. See if you can find a place to care about each other’s positions and feelings. See if you can really listen and see it through their eyes.

As Talisha really listened to Damien with caring, and a desire to learn, she began to understand his frustration. For the first time, Damien felt really heard regarding the issue. Then Damien really listened to Talisha, trying to see things through her experience. They found that as they each began to understand the other’s feelings and experience, new ideas came up to resolve the problem. In this instance, they were working together as a team to create shared feelings which lead to both spouses working as a team, not as adversaries. When Talisha is on one side of the issue and Damien is on the other side, there will always be a loser, but when they share feelings and experiences, they can work towards a win-win (no loser is the ideal scenario).

When Talisha and Damien stop intending to control and focus on compassionate learning, resolution may be the outcome, or it may not, but the new learning will inevitably lead to positive change and understanding.

Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing themselves. They fear that if they listen to the other person, they will appear to be weak and will get taken advantage of. But the intent to learn is not just about listening to the other, it is also about listening to yourself and learning to stand in your own truth without having to impose it on another. If you care about both you and the other person, then you will not end up losing yourself in the conflict.

The intent to learn is about being compassionate for both you and your partner. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a way for both of you to win.

Next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself, Am I trying to control or am I willing to learn? Even if your partner continues to try to control, when you move into compassionate learning, you will discover new inner power, strength and wisdom that is far more satisfying than winning or losing. You will be able to move beyond the bickering as you learn to listen while standing solidly in your truth.

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

What decision do you need to make that will move you toward your goals? What steps does this decision involve? Without limits, what does a fulfilled life look like for you? Are you excited about your future or are you facing it with apprehension and fear?

For those of you who could use an accountability partner for ongoing support and inspiration, a professional coach can help you to find out what you need and can help inspire you to get there. Our goal is to successfully support you in realizing your full potential and assist in giving your life a new direction.

Our task oriented, collaborative sessions will help you to identify any problems and concerns that stand in the way of achieving your goals, and we will support you in applying the actions I shared earlier. We understand that breakthroughs require growth and growth requires vision followed by consistent action to successfully reach your goals. Book a free discovery session now!

Podcast Appearance: Meet The Elite Episode 10988, April 10, 2023

183:920751408 (Paul Byus) — Mon, 17 Apr 2023 11:15:00 GMT

Podcast Interview: Meet the Elite Podcast

I had the opportunity to appear on a podcast produced by Meet the Elite Podcast last week for a quick chat about Hope Byus Coaching and what we do. Be on the lookout for more podcast interviews in the near future. By the way, Meet the Elite Podcast has been ranked in the top 3% most popular podcasts out of 3,005,585 podcasts globally by the independent third-party site "Listen Notes". You can listen to the Meet The Elite podcast on many different platforms such as Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Audible, Deezer, Stitcher, and many others.

I have posted a link to the episode containing my interview here . I'm working on my short term goal of several other podcast appearances in the near future and look forward to taking the Hope Byus Coaching message to the podcast universe! Have a great week and continue to work towards your personal breakthroughs, and if you'd like to have a free session or an ongoing accountability partner, know that Hope Byus Coaching is here for you! Enjoy your week!

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

Make Inner Peace Your Priority

183:920751408 (Paul Byus) — Mon, 03 Apr 2023 11:15:00 GMT

Peace of Mind Leads To A Sense Of Happiness

Inner peace is high on my list of life goals because it’s existence in my life supports ongoing fulfillment in a stress-free or minimal stress environment. According to Wikipedia, inner peace is synonymous with peace of mind. It refers to a deliberate state of psychological or spiritual calm despite the potential presence of stressors. While inner peace is simple to pursue, it isn’t always an easy state of existence to attain because it requires you to let go of some long-standing habits and beliefs that promote or contribute to stress and worry. We all know how difficult it can be to drop old habits and replace them with new (and unfamiliar) ones. However, if you can successfully drop the old habits that disrupt your peace, and create new ones that foster contentment, your payoff will absolutely worth the effort.

This peace of mind leads to a sense of happiness, satisfaction and fulfillment that isn’t easily overshadowed by external factors. If you choose to live your life according to your system of values, and in spite of what others, popular culture, or your peers profess, then you can move deliberately towards inner peace. This will require you to go against the grain. In order to prioritize your happiness, you may be forced to take positions and/or actions that conflict with your current social circles and may lead to an outsider status for you, but if you live your life in a way which is aligned with someone else’s values rather than your own, you will always have an inner struggle raging within your spirit. Letting go of that struggle will put you first and will allow you to experience a deeper satisfaction.

Anything you can do to control your emotions will go a long way in fostering inner peace. A key requirement to attain inner peace is to be able to completely forgive yourself and other people. According to an article written by Greater Good Magazine, “…psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness….Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses…it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from accountability.” Be sure to make things “right” with yourself and others. It will free you, so resolve to do/be better and move on! Reject any feelings of guilt associated with moving away from those things or people that stand between you and your peace. Let go of any anger, resentment, or grudges because doing so will move you towards a level of inner peace that you will likely be able to feel quickly.

Next, you will need to learn to let go of the stress and anxieties that plague many of us daily. Worry, much like guilt, is unproductive and will likely destroy your ability to enjoy personal fulfillment. To let go of worries, stress, and anxiety you must pay attention to your feelings and identify the source of the negative energy that is attacking your sense of peace. Once you have identified the source, consider ways to act in a manner that will reduce the stress and then make the necessary changes. For example, if you are experiencing worry and stress due to an approaching deadline, consider adjusting your schedule to allow for more time to finish the task at hand. Also, be sure to plan additional time for the next task in order to reduce the risk of trying to work within the confines of a time crunch. If the issue is a consistently stressful environment, try any number of stress-reduction techniques such as breathing exercises, meditation, physical activities like power walking or running, etc. It is a proven fact that physical activity is a key tool in combating stress. Also consider reframing your thoughts to focus on the positives and not the negatives. It has been said that as much as 90% of what we worry about never even comes to pass, so why worry about it at all!

Achieving inner peace is an ongoing process but if you choose to try some of the suggestions above, you may begin to see an immediate change and if you consistently use the strategies discussed, you will be well on your way to creating the habits that will lead you to sustainable inner peace!

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

Resolve Conflicts & Change Your Trajectory

Mon, 27 Mar 2023 11:15:00 GMT

Resolving Disputes In Your Marriage

It is not uncommon for couples to have differences of opinion on a regular basis. Disagreements can arise from any one of a countless number of situations. The key in maintaining peace, love and respect lies in your ability agree on an outcome that both spouses can find peace with and move forward without resentment and hurt feelings. Have you ever been involved in a dispute with your spouse? Did it morph into an emotionally charged conflict with hurtful comments or accusations? Have you walked away from an argument that was supposedly resolved only to sense that what lingers is resentment and immature behavior? Marital conflict and emotionally charged interactions are very difficult encounters, and without an agreed upon plan for resolving conflict and rules of engagement, these situations can easily be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

Have you ever wondered how some couples can engage in disputes and resolve them without permanent fractures in their relationship? What is it about how they interact that allows them to move forward without the permanent scars or damage that is clear with other couples? How do they rebound from conflict and enjoy decades of marriage while others can’t seem to make it their five-year marital anniversary? Some couples have rules that both abide by which allow them to move forward and, if you can adopt some of these rules in your relationship, you too can move beyond disputes and experience an improvement in your marriage. Here is an approach that you and your spouse should consider implementing if you want to protect your marriage from unresolved conflicts and hurtful disputes.

Do not play the blame game – no accusations or finger pointing!

None of us are perfect. We fall short of expectations every day and that’s the human condition. All too often however, we expect our spouse to show up as perfect or at least free from coming up short of our expectations. We tell ourselves that what we ask (expect) is simple and should be easy to accomplish, satisfy or complete. When our spouse falls short, we resort to hurtful name calling (i.e. careless, forgetful, insensitive, etc.) as if we show up perfect in every situation with our spouse (notwithstanding any accusatory outbursts when our expectations are not met). While frustration and even anger may be natural emotions that are invoked when our spouse misses the mark, taking punitive actions rarely does anything more than sow anger, vitriol and contempt into the fiber of your marriage. If you fill the gap between your expectations and what comes to pass with damaging behavior, that damage is precisely the type of marriage you will create. Your marriage will be filled with dysfunction, heartache and pain and each time the gap is filled with hurtful behavior, the gap between you and your spouse will grow larger. The result of this approach is often an unfulfilling marriage and bitterness that could lead to a separation or divorce.

It is important to note that changing the course of your relationship can seem close to impossible if you and your spouse have sown negativity into your marriage up to this point. It may be critical for you to seek the assistance of a good coach or a licensed therapist as you try to heal the hurt created from past disputes and/or conflict. Changing the direction of your marriage will also require each of you to agree to refrain from those behaviors that incite defensive positioning, unforgiveness, finger pointing, name calling and the like. It is a difficult journey that will take a great deal of patience, grace, forgiveness, consistency, and humility. If you are each up to the task, there is a high likelihood that you will begin to see positive results once you have created healthier habits.

Try sowing a little grace in your marriage. If you fill the gap with grace, grace will become the ingredient that will encourage your spouse to do better. I will admit that this is very difficult to do if you are the recipient of ongoing broken promises, broken trust, unmet expectations and disappointment. It will likely require you to swallow your pride and release many other things that you might be unwilling to let go of. But the question you need to ask yourself is if you want to try and create a marriage that will ultimately heal or continue indefinitely with the misery of ongoing disputes filled with one-upping and other hurtful behaviors. I would suggest to you that both options are painful, but with time and patience, filling the gap with grace can bring a resolution. The bottom line however is about what you ultimately want.

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

Do You Know Your Purpose

Mon, 20 Mar 2023 11:15:00 GMT

On Living and Realizing That Which You Hope For

Recently, I happened to stumble upon a Japanese concept called “ikigai” (pronounced ee key guy) and I found it quite intriguing. Essentially, ikigai is loosely translated to mean “reason for being”. Ikigai is made up of “ikiru” which means “to live”, and “gai” means “the realization of what one hopes for” (thanks to the Performance Excellence Network blog for the definitions!). A popular illustration of the ikigai can be found in a couple of different Venn diagram pictorials which both place the ikigai at the center of four main aspects of life. Those concepts are:

1. What you love

2. What the world needs

3. What you can be paid for

4. What you are good at

The assertion is that as you get closer to the center of the diagram (your ikigai), you also get closer to your reason for being. The inner components of the diagram include:

· Passion

· Mission

· Vocation

· Profession

The above illustration is from the ikigai test website and is a bit different in its pictorial of the ikigai Venn diagram shared previously. I took some time to study the diagrams above, and I must say that while it took a bit of brain power to understand how the Venn diagrams worked, I still couldn’t reconcile the two because the components were a bit different in the areas closest to the ikigai (center). The reason was clear once I realized one of the two diagrams was being used to identify different personality types and the other was being used to focus on personal fulfillment.

Needless to say I was still very interested in learning more because I didn’t simply surf away from the web pages and continued to research this concept. I then turned to YouTube however where I was lucky enough to find a two minute video that explained ikigai in a way that made much more sense (thanks to Dr. Thomas P. Seager for the video ). I was happy to have found a better explanation in a format that wasn’t a Venn diagram, but I didn’t stop there! In order for me to form any sort of informed opinion, I needed a contrarian view to challenge my new found conceptual knowledge. I was fortunate to find another YouTube video by James Stuber that pointed out the problem with the ikigai assertions as it was being explained. In his video , Stuber shares a bit of history on the ikigai and how the concept came to be widely known outside of Japan. He asked logical questions and referenced information that seemingly clashes with the popular explanations. Stuber also provided some historical research to support his opinions. I was quite happy to find the contrarian views because it caused me to think a bit more deeply and draw my own conclusions about the purpose of the ikigai Venn diagram.

My thoughts on the ikigai Venn diagram, and the concept is that there is a benefit to thinking deeply about how to find inner fulfillment, but it seems to me that you can find fulfillment if you have less then all four aspects in the diagram present in your life. I do not think there is a perfect overlap in all four but it seems that three of the four is very possible in more than one combination. Overlaps that exist are good and will likely aid you in your ability to be fulfilled in many aspects of life. At a minimum, if you spend time thinking about your reason for being, you will be more likely to consistently walk in it and more importantly, you should find consistent and ongoing fulfillment. Here’s to you finding your ikigai!

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

Have You Checked Your Vision Lately?

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 11:15:00 GMT

Bring Your Transformation Into Focus

For many of us, the new year is in full swing and if you’re anything like me, you probably cannot believe where the time has already gone! How have you been performing against your New Year’s resolutions? If you set personal goals for this year, are you pressing on with discipline and consistency? Or, are those resolutions and well-intended goals already a distant thing of the past? If you’re struggling mightily, or if you’ve fallen short of your goals and aspirations, I’d like to share with you a saying that has stuck with me since I was sixteen years old. The saying reads: “ It’s never too late for an excellent ending !”

I’m not sure who came up with the saying but it has been a very powerful motivator in my life since the first time I read it. It’s a funny story how this saying, which was meant to entice customers to buy cheesecake, came to have such tremendous meaning in the life of a teenager (yours truly) that it was no longer a jingle, but instead became a guiding life principle. The saying reminds me that no matter your current condition (in relation to that which you wish to achieve), you can always recommit and begin again in pursuit of an excellent ending.

I’m hopeful that you are willing to give the thought of an excellent finish a little consideration. Done is better than perfect when it comes to resolutions and goals and an inspired restart can lead to an excellent ending! Reflect on your current position and rededicate yourself to your resolutions and/or goals but be sure to take a moment to check your vision. If you have made resolutions or goals without a clear understanding of the big picture transformation you seek, it is possible that a misalignment may exist which can partly be the reason you are falling short of achieving your goals. Here are five keys you can use to fortify your vision:

Vivid Picture

Have you created a vivid picture in your mind as to how your completed goal will look and feel in relation to your overall vision? Have you included the feelings/emotions, that you will experience when you actualize your transformation (vision)? This takes time and thoughtful reflection, but the clearer you are with your vivid picture of what you want and how obtaining it will make you feel, the more passionate you will become about continuing with your resolutions and achieving your goals. If you don’t have a clear picture in your mind as to what you are trying to accomplish, and the sensory details associated with your transformation, it’s much more challenging to remain focused. Developing a clear, vivid picture is a critical step in aligning your goals to your vision. A great tool for making your vision tangible is a vision board but be sure to reflect on the emotions and feelings attached to your success.

Inspire Through Celebrations

Are you inspired by your vision? If you have connected your feelings and emotions to the realization of your vision, the answer should be YES. But what about your goals? Do they offer you inspiration? How about the progress you are making against your resolution or goal? Does thinking about the progress make you smile? If not, then try celebrating the small and seemingly insignificant steps toward attaining your goal. The fact is that progress is progress, full stop. Call it what it is and make more of it. Progress is inspirational and should be treated as such! Achieving your goals will take time and effort. Change often requires that we do things that may be a stretch for us and as a result, we must acknowledge and celebrate all progress to remain inspired.

Sustain Your Belief

Do you have a sustained belief that you will achieve your goal? If you don’t expect to accomplish your goal, then how can you expect to be successful? Sometimes it takes extraordinary courage to believe in the face of evidence to the contrary. Things can go wrong. Problems will arise. The existence of unforeseen challenges can cause us to get discouraged but this is the time when you most need a sustained belief in your abilities, and if you create a habit of being both disciplined and consistent in your efforts, you can get through the difficult times. When being disciplined and consistent become synonymous with who you are, the problems are of little consequence. They no longer have the power to stop your motion. You might be slowed but you will not be stopped. Moreover, discipline and consistency will help you fortify the sustained belief that will result in an upward spiral of progress. People rise to the level of their beliefs, and you can too. When you believe, you will press forward in defiance of any challenges. Here's a cool quote from the movie Greater , The story of Brandon Burlsworth, possibly the greatest walk-on in the history of college football: " Two men receive $10,000. One had to work and toil for it. One was simply given the money. Who receives the greater benefit? ”. It was Mr. Burlsworth's unyielding belief in himself and his level of discipline, consistency, and commitment to hard work that made his achievements possible. Its possible for you as well if you can sustain your beliefs.

Identify Personally

Do you identify with your goal now even though you have not yet achieved it? We must begin to identify with the person we want to become. Muhammad Ali convinced himself he was a champion long before he won his first championship and trained accordingly (and with discipline and consistency, I might add)! Once or twice each day, play the picture of your completed goal or resolution in your mind. Live your goal in your imagination and experience all the wonderful emotions that go with it! As you continue to do this, you’ll find that your thoughts and behaviors will become more aligned with the person you will be when you achieve your goal.

Observe And Adjust

Are you aware of the actions that are taking you closer to your goal and those that are moving you further away from success? When we create an action plan for our goals, we must spend time thinking about which action steps will be effective and which ones won’t. Mike Tyson once said “everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth”. So what do you do after the first metaphorical punch? Don’t give up! Try something else. After you take a specific action, observe the result. If it is positive, then continue to do it. If you don’t get the expected result, modify your action and try again. By being mindful about what is working and what isn’t, you can adjust your plan as needed so you will continue to move closer to your goal.

Never Quit

Have you adopted a never quit attitude? Have you decided that you will not stop, no matter how long it takes to achieve your goal? Muhammad Ali once said, “You don’t lose if you get knocked down, you lose if you stay down”. If you don’t have this attitude, you might find that obstacles cause you to give up on pursuing your goals. Choosing to quit on your transformation, doesn’t have to be your reality if you create a vivid picture of your vision; create sustained beliefs that are rooted in discipline and consistency; identify with (and, in fact become) the triumphant person that you have envisioned; remain mindful and observant; make key adjustments when needed; and never give up until you are transformed and experience the feelings and emotions associated with your transformation! Success can be your story if you believe that it is never too late for an excellent ending !

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

Growth Mindset: A Key Attribute of Successful People

Mon, 06 Mar 2023 12:15:00 GMT

Can We Increase Our Ability To Achieve Success?

How do you define success? Some people have probably never stopped to think about the answer to this question. If you were to perform a Google search on the definition of success, you would find that success is commonly defined as “the accomplishment of a set goal or obtaining a favorable or desired outcome”. While most people understand what success is, our beliefs can play an important role in our ability to achieve desired outcomes in our lifetime. Many of us repeatedly pursue success, fall short, and move on, or start over again with no change in thinking or strategy (think New Year’s resolutions). Ultimately, we never stop to ask the question, what is the missing ingredient that would get me closer to (or even position me to achieve) the desired outcome? What are the key attributes of the “successful”? Today, let’s consider the concept of growth mindset, but first, let’s look at some of the generally agreed upon qualities of successful people.

When you think of successful people in sports, the successful athletes all share some common qualities. I have listed a few here for your consideration:

· Exceptional determination – They work harder than most and are not deterred by errors.

· Unshakable willpower – They stay focused despite unfavorable odds.

· Consummate optimists – They always believe that they will reach their objective.

· Healthy level of self-confidence – They don’t doubt their ability to reach the objective.

· Highly adaptable – They have learned to instinctively adapt to changing conditions.

Often, successful people can repeat the attainment of their objectives even if the objectives are in different area, or areas where they have no prior involvement or experience. Part of the reason for this is that successful people possess qualities such as the ones I’ve mentioned above, and they apply those qualities to every situation. Moreover, a key component of successful people not mentioned above is their belief that they are going to learn and adapt until they can leverage that new knowledge to their advantage, and ultimately achieve their objectives. The process of developing one’s abilities, learning, and adapting is a way to describe “growth mindset”.

Growth mindset is a term coined by Carol Dweck based on scholarly research that began in the early 1970s. In a nutshell, growth mindset embraces the idea that you can develop your abilities and ultimately succeed despite any preexisting limiting beliefs or your existing circumstances. This contrasts with what is known as a fixed mindset. The fixed mindset believes that one’s abilities cannot be improved or developed (think of the saying “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”). While the research on growth mindset initially focused on children and their beliefs about themselves, developing your own abilities to learn and adapt are not confined to any particular age group.

I know from personal experience that you can adopt a growth mindset no matter where you are on the mindset continuum. I have developed my abilities as an accounting professional and currently I’m developing as a writer, and eventually as an author. In fact, it is not uncommon for people to have a growth mindset in some areas of their lives and a fixed mindset in others. This could be attributed to the system of beliefs that developed during childhood or adolescence; or it could be a result of what we learned from teachers, coaches, or simply the culture that we are exposed to on a daily basis. Regardless of our current frame of mind or where it came from, we can move toward, or strengthen our ability to achieve any desired outcome by doing two simple things; first, we must stop telling ourselves that it is beyond our ability to grow and develop. Second, and more importantly, we must permanently redefine how we view failure. Simply put, if success is the attainment of a desired outcome, through a growth mindset framework, the lack of success then becomes the deferral of the desired outcome until such time as you have developed the ability to obtain your goal. Falling short becomes a learning opportunity and the desired goal remains very possible. Finally, in a growth mindset, “no” is replaced with “not yet”.

Failure can no longer be defined by you as the inability to reach your desired outcome. Instead, and according to a growth mindset, failure is choosing to stop trying.

When success is not yet reached, we acknowledge that our desired outcomes are always close by, and we commit to fight through the obstacles, and learn from criticism (read feedback) to become more dynamic in how we press forward. We do not surrender to the temptation to quit but always find the lesson that is embedded in the challenge so that we can continue to press on. The result is that each step forward gets us over a hurdle, and that much closer to our goal.

This may sound complicated, but it is quite simple, and very powerful. It is a choice. We can control our perceptions. We must believe that we can succeed, and we must try to learn from our shortcomings so that the next attempt is an improvement upon the previous try. We must persist until we reach the desired outcome.

If you’ve ever watched a new baby learn to move on their own, you will recall that there are several milestones that must take place in sequence before the baby can successfully walk. We see with our own eyes many steps such as learning to turn over; learning to crawl, learning to stand, and ultimately learning to walk. We also see that the baby will not stop trying until they can walk by themselves. Happily, even the baby can recognize progress. It is evident when the toddler stands for the first time because a smile breaks out on his or her face. They realize the milestone has been reached as they stand and balance themselves for a second or two. The next milestone is to take that first independent step and then, before you know it, the baby is running around the house. Growth mindset is a process of small, sequential successes combined to reach the desired objective.

You are never too young or old to choose tenacity. Choose to see setbacks as a “not yet” in your quest for success. If you need a little encouragement or inspiration, a good coach can assist you with expanding your growth mindset. If you need to see a growth mindset in action, watch a toddler learn to stand and walk. Sometimes we must see it to do it. Through repetition, consistency and recognition of each new milestone reached, achieving your goals remains possible with a growth mindset.

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

But I Didn't Mean To Say That

Mon, 27 Feb 2023 13:13:10 GMT

Be Mindful In What You Say and How You Say It

Healthy communication is the key to enjoying a strong, resilient relationship. When you use poor communication techniques, problems will undoubted crop up and threaten your ability for a fulfilling marital, or relational experience. Sometimes, we say things we don’t mean without even realizing it, or we speak out of frustration and anger due to an expectation that was not met. What’s worse, we continue to go about our day, unaware of the fact that we hurt the person we profess to love and cherish.

It is important to let your partner or spouse know when they hurt your feelings so that you both can solve for both the poor communication, and the factor(s) that led to the hurtful encounter. If you let your partner or spouse know that you’ve been hurt by what they said or how they said it, you give them the opportunity to clarify and work towards healing the hurt. More importantly, they may learn your sensitivities, and work towards not causing the hurt again in the future. The two of you may also be able to refine your communication skills together, for the ultimate win!

Here are some different communication styles for your consideration. As you read each one, consider your own communication style.

Passive Communication Prioritizes the Other Person’s Needs at the Expense of Their Own

Passive communicators often look down or away and therefore have poor eye contact while speaking. They do not express their needs or wants well and tend to be soft spoken or quiet and often invite others to take advantage of them or the situation.

Aggressive communication seeks only to prioritize the needs of the speaker .

No one else’s needs matter. Aggressive communicators are easily frustrated, loud and overbearing. They often communicate using criticism and are often disrespectful in their delivery. They tend to be unwilling to compromise, interrupt the speaker, and don’t listen well (they listen to respond instead of listening to hear and understand).

Assertive Communication equitably emphasizes both people’s needs .

Assertive communicators listen without interruption, as opposed to listening for the sole purpose of shooting down the points their partner is attempting to share. They stand up for their own feelings positions and use a respectful tone. The also display confident body language and maintain eye contact. Finally, assertive communicators are willing to compromise to arrive at resolution.

As you continue to think about what you say and how you say it, try some of these steps to healthy communication:

1. Take a breath and remain calm, even in difficult situations.

2. Express your feelings in words instead of actions.

3. No finger pointing, as you express your feelings, use “I” statements to share your hurt feelings.

4. Don’t draw the proverbial line in the sand or you just may create a win-lose dynamic.

5. Create a win-win by overcoming your challenges as a team instead of as adversaries.

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

Keys to a Healthy Long-Term Relationship

Mon, 20 Feb 2023 12:15:00 GMT

Tend to Your Garden, and Keep It!

So Valentine’s day has come and gone once again. You’ve undoubtedly made an impression on your partner in one way or another, so what’s next? Do things go back to “normal”? Are your days full of frustration, anger, resentment, silence and the like? Do you exist in the same space as two separate individuals instead of a united couple? If your Valentine’s Day romance has continued, and will continue into the future, congratulations! Keep it going and enjoy the ride. However, if the romance felt more like a one-night stand, there is hope if both of you are willing to confront your challenges as a team. Having difficult conversations with yourself, and your partner (and in a compassionate way) will likely position you for an epic comeback. You can revive your romance and enjoy a healthier relationship with a few key adjustments in how you interact with each other.

Here are a few secrets to mending and keeping a relationship healthy for the long run:

Learn to Apologize :

If you make a mistake by doing or saying something that is damaging to the relationship, own it! Say that you're sorry. Apologizing is the first step in mending fractured relationships. Many people struggle with these words, even when they know that what they did was hurtful and wrong. Refusing to apologize continues to damage your partner and the relationship. It also continues to damage you, you just don’t see it! If you’ve offended your partner, be sure to make amends by apologizing and changing your future behavior.

Forgive and Move Forward :

This is the Hope Byus Coaching take on the adage “forgive and forget”. Forgiveness is golden but forgetting could potentially be foolish. Forgiveness is an action and a choice that is not dependent on the existence of an apology. However, if both an apology and forgiveness are present, it is a prime opportunity for you both to press RESET and begin again. When you forgive an offender, it allows you to clear your conscience and move on to healthier thoughts and emotions. Forgiveness sets the stage for you to evict the thoughts of the offender and the memory of any hurtful acts from your conscience so that you can be set free from the thoughts that cause you pain and stress. You will still have to choose to expel those thoughts and memories for you own emotional well-being, and you may need some level of therapy to successfully do it. Just know that forgiveness allows you to try and move forward together! If you can forgive and move forward, you have a greater chance of mending your relationship. Forgiveness is choosing to not let the hurt continue to hurt you, and it opens the door to recovery and healing.

Be Your Authentic Self :

Even if you tasked your “personal public relations spokesperson” with representing you in the beginning of your relationship; you know, the person that always puts their best foot forward until the hunt ends and you get the “prize”…if you didn’t show up genuinely in the beginning because you wanted to make a good impression, now may be the time to have a sincere conversation with your partner. Both you and your partner must come to accept your authentic selves; flaws and all. Being phony in your relationship is a con job that cheapens your character and your worth. Trying to be someone or something different than who you really are to please your mate injures you more that you may realize. For a relationship to work, both people need to be their authentic selves and react to each other, and situations naturally.

Maintain Your Health :

Having a good relationship means having the energy to enjoy getting out and doing things together. To do that, it's important to eat right and get enough sleep. When people are tired, they become easily agitated and short-tempered. For this reason, it is important to get the right amount of sleep. Consistent exercise habits keep your body in shape for being adventurous together so make time for healthy habits.

Give Compliments :

Be generous, but genuine with compliments. It's very common for people to notice something nice about another person and think about it internally, but never voice it. When in a relationship, compliments are like glue. They hold the couple’s attention and nurture love and respect. Make sure your compliments are genuine!

Set Realistic Expectations :

No matter how wonderful and flawless your mate seems, no one is perfect. Be careful about putting people on a pedestal, especially in the early stages of your relationship. Ensure that the expectations you have for both your partner and you are realistic. More importantly, when there is a gap between your expectations and the actual outcome, be sure to fill the gap with GRACE instead of resentment and criticism. Whatever you put in the gap between your expectations and the actual outcome is what you are feeding your relationship. Pouring resentment and criticism on your relationship is like pouring bleach on your vegetable garden.

There are going to be differences in opinion between you two, and probably some disagreements as well. However, it is well within your power to maintain a healthy relationship if you choose to employ the strategies discussed above. Learn to disagree without being disagreeable. Sleep more! Apologize, seek forgiveness, forgive, and move forward. Cherish your partner and give your partner a little grace when your partner falls short of your expectations. Your partner is NOT your enemy and if you can find a way to confront your challenges as a team instead of as competitors, you will be well suited for a healthy long-term relationship!

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

Healthy Communication is Vital

Mon, 13 Feb 2023 12:15:00 GMT

A Conversation is More Than Just Words

When people are told that they need to communicate more they often mistake it as a request to simply say more words, but there is a big difference between simply talking more and effectively communicating. Effective communication is an art that combines the ability to clearly express your opinions and feelings with the ability to listen and understand the other person’s point of view. When effective communication is present, your spouse should be able to understand what you are communicating and, at the same time, you should be actively listening to understand your spouse. Both assertive communication and active listening are two techniques that you can learn and use to improve conversations with your spouse. Both concepts are introduced briefly below.

Assertive communication takes place when you stand up for your needs and wants while also taking into consideration the needs and wants of your spouse. A key component of assertive communication is to share without behaving passively or aggressively. Clearly state your wants and needs in an appropriate speaking volume. Speak with a steady tone of voice and maintain eye contact. Finally, when its your turn to listen, be sure to listen to your spouse with your whole heart.

Listening without interruption is another skill that is used when active listening is present in conversations. Active listening is an integral part of participating in the communication process. Active listeners are not part of an audience and do not behave as such. Active listeners show they are listening by promoting and encouraging the share of information and make it a point to understand the speaker. You show you are actively listening to your spouse by doing the following things:

Put away, mute or turn off electronic devices – distractions while listening to your spouse will send the message that their words are not important.
Use both verbal and nonverbal communication to demonstrate your participation in the conversation but do not interrupt (e.g. say “that makes sense” or “I understand” when appropriate, nod your head in agreement as appropriate and maintain eye contact).

The most successful marriages are those where both spouses have both strong verbal and nonverbal communication skills, as well as active listening skills.

Many unresolved problems continue to exist because of poor communication. Couples often feel that their partner should already know what they are thinking and how they feel without having to share and, as a result, they fail to communicate. They then wonder why they feel neglected, misunderstood, and undervalued. Many people choose to avoid communicating with their spouse because they don’t know how to share what’s bothering them and then the problem just eats away at the marriage until there is nothing left. The ability to share a problem in a healthy manner can make what seemed to be an insurmountable issue a tiny little blip on a larger horizon. So, resolve to avoid feeling stressed or hopeless because you can’t listen or communicate your issues. Don’t suppress up your feelings or concerns, talk about them and use assertive communication. Seek open communication with your spouse and listen to the responses from your spouse. Don’t keep quiet when you know in your heart that a problem must be confronted. When speaking about things or behaviors that are problematic for you, share how those things make you feel instead of finger pointing or placing blame. A great approach is to begin your sentences with the phrase “I feel {enter how you feel here} when you…” . Expressing your feelings instead of making accusations, will be less likely to put your spouse into a defensive position on the issues. Sharing your feelings instead of accusations will better position the two of you to address the concerns as a team instead of as adversaries.

If you happen to be on the receiving end of the difficult conversation and your spouse is sharing feelings associated with something you’ve done (or not done) and your emotions begin to overflow, resist the urge to lash out. Pausing the discussion may be the best action to keep the discussion from becoming unhealthy. Consider agreeing ahead of time (when no issues are at the forefront) on a code word that will allow you to take a pause from the difficult conversation. The code word can be anything the two of you will remember and once it is invoked, conversation stops for a temporary period so each of you can calm down and recompose yourselves. This approach can make for a subsequent conversation that is not as emotionally charged nor damaging to the relationship.

You might also take a break and do something you enjoy and preferably with your spouse. If you can refocus your attention on the lighter things in life, your day to day issues may seem that much smaller. Spending a little time together and enjoying each other's company could enable each of you to recapture some of the feelings that have been lost through constant arguing or challenges, and help you regain a positive perspective on your relationship.

Finally, make sure that you never start a discussion if you don’t have time to finish it. Don’t insist on a debate when one of you is headed to work, dealing with the kids, or just relaxing in front of their favorite TV program. If the timing never seems to be right, arrange a future time and date where the two of you can sit down free of distractions and talk.

No one ever said marriage would be easy, but if you want to save your marriage and make it special, begin to practice effective communication and active listening techniques. If you can make them a regular and consistent approach to communication, then there is very little to stop you from resolving your issues and ultimately restoring great conversations in your marriage.

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

Men: Date Your Wives!

Mon, 06 Feb 2023 12:15:00 GMT

I have been married long enough to have learned a few things about healthy relationships. In fact, I’m once divorced and twice married. I have over two decades of marital experience overall, and some of the lessons I have learned come from doing things right, but most of the lessons I've learned have come from areas where I fell short. In the long run, and after the divorce, I acknowledged and accepted my flaws, and changed over time for the better. I share this part of my story with you in hopes that you will not make some of the avoidable, and harmful mistakes.

Perhaps one of the biggest mistakes you can make in marriage is to stop dating your wife. It gets harder to make dating your wife a priority as life marches on (think kids, illness, job loss, caring for aging parents, etc.). It is close to impossible if you and your spouse are not getting along due to stress, communication challenges, unhealthy conflict, or breaches of trust. Of course, addressing these matters, and any issues that are creating distance between the two of you must be done in a healthy way to foster an environment where dating will be again welcomed and enjoyable.

You may not realize it but both you and your spouse need relational fulfillment and companionship, but it does not always look the same for every person. We all have different likes, dislikes, hot buttons, and triggers. Nevertheless, make quality time a priority and learn to communicate lovingly about your needs and desires.

If your relationship is in a fragile state, you must first focus all your time and energy in mending the areas that are fractured or broken. Depending on the severity of your issues, you may need to consider a good marriage coach, or even a licensed clinician. Either way, there are a number of questions to ponder and tips to try and incorporate into your relationship if the two of you are in a good enough place to work together on beginning the process of repairing your relationship. Consider reflecting on the following questions and tips as a great first step in repairing your relationship.

Questions

What am I saying or doing that is creating damage in our marriage?
Are my actions encouraging healthy communication?
Am I listening to my spouse to understand or simply to disqualify her words or feelings?
Have I been fully open and transparent with my spouse? If not, why not?
Am I willing to forgive myself and/or my spouse to repair our marriage?
Do we need help (coach? counseling?) as we try to navigate our issues?
Am I willing to seek help if it can save our marriage?

Tips

Your spouse is not your enemy!
If apologies are appropriate, then apologize.
Do not compete with your spouse or attempt to win discussions/arguments (this is a win/lose approach to conflict) collaborate when there are issues.
Agree to put your marriage before your individual wants and the two of you will have something to work towards as a team (win/win approach).
Refrain from making accusations, explain how your spouse’s actions make you feel. Accusations create a defensive and argumentative posture.
Make time for the uncomfortable conversations.
Establish honorable communication ground rules to avoid the anything goes approach to conflict resolution.
Do not retaliate when you feel hurt or disrespected.

Hope Byus Coaching, LLC works with married couples on how to use the tips above and others, to strengthen their relationships. As coaches, we work with couples on identifying the issues that are creating problems and support couples in creating habits and behaviors that will foster healthy interactions and ultimately move them to mending their marriages. We would be happy to have a free session with you to explore the possibilities.

If you both are in a good space, meaning able to be mentally present and good company to each other, see to it that you continue to engage in activities where you can focus on further cultivating a healthy relationship. See to it that you put time and effort into maintaining a strong bond, the oneness that is intended in a marital union. Your dating doesn’t always have to be activities involving food or movies either. You can focus on shared interests or hobbies, or you can develop new hobbies. Take a dance class or consider a couples massage. If you are athletically inclined, go for a hike or take up other active outdoor activities. Anything enjoyable, where you and your spouse can be solely focused on each other in a healthy way, will go a long way in fostering a better marriage. These activities don’t have to break the bank, you can take time to connect without spending money as well. Your dates simply need to be high quality relationship building activities that will make, and keep your relationship enjoyable.

So men, my advice to you is simple: date your wives frequently! Perhaps you are better than I was, and you never stopped taking your wife on dates like you did before you got married. In that case, congratulations! I wish someone guided me to do the same thing. I wish someone had been around to tell me that marrying your fiancée does not mean that you will never have to pursue her again, or maintain a love relationship with her for the duration. It would have been great to understand that the wedding marks a beginning more that an ending. Maybe if someone had been there to tell me that the point of the whole thing was to focus on more than just marrying your fiancée I would have sought to find out what I wasn't understanding. I could have searched and found out that the point was to always focus on strengthening your marriage and that fulfillment was in the WORK necessary during journey after the wedding and not the wedding itself. Oh, how helpful it would have been to know that winning (and keeping) the heart of your wife takes WORK; repeated time, intentional effort, and a few special dates from time to time. Whether you have been married for three months or for thirty years, make it a habit to invite your wife out on dates. She will be so glad you did, and so will you!

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

Improve Your Relationships: Self Care

Mon, 30 Jan 2023 12:15:00 GMT

Many of us, especially women, tend to put others’ needs before our own. We neglect ourselves until there is nothing left within us to give. As a result, we struggle and suffer much like those who have been on the receiving end of our kindness and compassion. We fail to realize or acknowledge the importance of putting ourselves first. It is not selfish to tend to our mental, physical, and emotional needs. In fact, it’s unhealthy to meet the needs of others effectively without first being balanced and healthy in our own lives.

If you have ever travelled on a commercial airplane, you are likely familiar with the instructions that are given by flight attendants in preparation for in-flight emergencies. One of the instructions they give in preparation for a loss of cabin air pressure, after the oxygen masks are deployed, is to put your mask on FIRST before attempting to help anyone else with their mask. Taking good care of yourself will not only prove to be rewarding and a fulfilling experience, but it will also position you to better tend to and improve your relationships with others as well.

Burnout

If we go through our lives neglecting our basic needs, we will become very quickly drained of our energy and unhealthy; too exhausted to spend time on ourselves or others. When we realize that our own relational needs are not being met, we can become resentful and ultimately withdraw the help and support we so freely offered to others in the past. However, by periodically focusing on us first, we can reenergize ourselves, which will give us the stamina to continue supporting the needs others.

Taking better care of ourselves can be accomplished in several ways. We can do this by implementing one or more of the helpful tips and ideas listed below. When we are happy with the level of self-care we give ourselves, our energy levels remain high, and we will have a greater ability to help support the needs of those we assist. Everyone wins when we learn to love and better care for ourselves. Consider trying the following tips to get started:

Healthy Diet and Physical Activity

How can we expect to tend to and care for those in need if we cannot meet our life’s most basic needs? To maintain healthy energy levels, improve your eating habits by replacing excess sugar and refined foods with whole foods and lots of water. Give your body the ability to effectively burn the fuel you take in by including daily exercise, thereby increasing your metabolism. Make sure to get plenty of sleep as well, as our minds and bodies do not function at capacity if they haven’t been allowed to properly recharge themselves.

Self-Expression

One of the best ways to take care of ourselves mentally is by frequently expressing how we feel. This can be done in several ways. We can express ourselves on paper. Keeping a personal journal is a way in which we can “vent” when needed to keep our emotions in balance. Holding onto frustration, anxiety and fear can lead to unhealthy stress levels and significant drains on our emotional well-being. Creative expression is also important, such as allowing ourselves to feel and experience the wide range of emotions in a rented movie for instance, or by working on a hobby that is close to our heart. Photography and other visual arts are also meaningful forms of self-expression.

Reenergize and Renew

To appreciate ourselves more, we should get to know ourselves better. Understanding our values and our underlying beliefs can help to uncover what conditions best support our personal fulfillment. Spend some quality time alone to explore this. Some of you may think this will have the reverse effect but you would be surprised what becoming introspective can reveal. Discover yourself and learn to love it. Go for a scenic drive. Take a long bath. Surround yourself with music or just quietly meditate or pray if you will. Not only will you appreciate your own company more, but the relaxation and self-discovery could do wonders for your state of mind. Your relationships are sure to improve if others sense your renewed energy and love of life.

Pamper Yourself

Finally, take the time to treat yourself to something rewarding. Get a massage, a manicure/pedicure, or tickets to your favorite sporting event. Show yourself you care about your own fulfillment and happiness by creating more of it in your life. By allowing yourself to enjoy the spotlight now and again, you’ll realize the goodness others feel when you can effectively support them.

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

Relationship Rescue 101

Sat, 21 Jan 2023 01:28:11 GMT

Is your relationship or marriage lacking the passion it once had? Are there feelings of unexplainable discontent, or even frustration? Would you be willing to address the issue(s) if you could identify how to get your “groove” back? It is often difficult to try and mend relationships or marriages when both parties feel they are hitting a brick wall with their attempts to rekindle the flames. Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help. As your coach, we are not interested in taking sides but in fact, interested in helping you get to the actions you can take that foster healthier interaction and workable solutions to get the relationship or marriage back on the right track.

The Basics

As your coach, we will help you see things in a different light, and then you will outline ways to help create a more conducive and workable situation where you both can participate positively towards mending the relationship. Once we identify the challenges to your relationship, we will work to identify activities that will open the door to deeper understanding in your relationship and discuss tools you can employ to better face the issues as a team, not as adversaries. If you’ve wondered what you can do on your own to get your relationship back on the right track, here are some things for you to consider.

Confirm Your Commitment to Rescuing the Relationship and Your Shared Values

It is essential to agree on your collective desire to move forward and to agree on the system of values that will define how you treat each other if you decide to mend your relationship. If you have shared values (e.g. transparency, commitment to healthy interaction, respect, safe spaces, etc.) and are committed to the work involved in changing the relationship dynamic, then you are better positioned for success and a fulfilling relationship. When you have agreed on the shared commitment and values, consider celebrating this momentous occasion. The celebration can take one of many forms. It could be an intimate dinner or a ceremony of some sort between the two of you but it should be something you can revisit as you move forward with the process of mending the relationship. You may even want to reaffirm your wedding vows if you’re a married couple.

Another essential point to understand and agree on is that your partner is NOT your adversary or enemy (read that sentence again!). Many times, the partner’s individual wants or needs elevate to a higher level of priority than the shared wants/needs of the couple (i.e., the relationship). In this instance, partners or spouses become adversaries and the result is that someone wins but the other person LOSES. Healthy relationships require prioritizing the collective (couple/marriage) above the individual wants or needs of each partner for the benefit of the shared experience. When the relationship or marriage comes before the individuals and their wants/needs, the individuals can work together (win/win) to resolve the issues. Agree to create and maintain a healthy relationship or marriage by working together to put the shared experience before your individual wants/needs and work together to create the win/win every time!

Make A List of Your Goals for Your Relationship or Marriage

Although it may seem ideal to simply drift along in the relationship without being this intentional, creating a list of shared goals will help to create a stronger bond if both parties list goals they can participate in for the benefit of the collective. The list of goals should include both individual and shared goals that have the purpose of enriching the relationship. Examples of individual goals that could help could be to choose to communicate without accusations or resolving to stop bringing up past wrong doings. Another example would be to listen without interrupting. Shared relationship goals could include periodic date nights, or couples’ activities that are mutually acceptable like shared interests or hobbies.

The Goals

The goal-setting exercise is important as it helps both parties strengthen their relationship by focusing on a shared goals or behaviors that enhance the relationship. It also can help to improve communication and create the desire to help each other in a more conducive manner so that the goals you set can be achieved without undue pressure.

The goals also help to validate each other’s intended contributions to the relationship rescue. Additionally, the goals can be the anchor that keep both parties focused, accountable and committed. Part of the goal-setting process should require both parties to verbalize their dreams and aspirations for the relationship, thus giving each other a clear insight into the workings of their individual mindsets about the relationship.

Creating goals individually and then taking the time to sit down together to try and collaborate in forming a new shared list that will serve each party’s needs comfortably, would be the ideal way to go about the whole exercise of setting your relationship goals. Once this is done, both parties must decide on some sort of timeline that is suitable and realistic in moving towards achieving the goals that are set.

This should include having to periodically revisit the values and mindsets identified to make the goals achievable. This time of sharing can be very enjoyable and enlightening if both parties maintain some level of intimacy and cordiality and do the work necessary to move forward towards a healthier relationship. Being accusatory and overly demanding will not help the exercise of goal setting for the relationship. The act of sharing goals can often bring a couple closer together and keep them more focused on each other throughout the exercise.

Annual Checkup

If you decide to put in the time and effort to rescue your relationship, take the time to measure your progress and create a strategy on how to move forward. Think of your relationship as a team. Every great team reviews how they last performed as they prepare for the next game. Additionally, good teams do research on the next contender they will face so their plan is as effective as possible. Great teams always prepare and review their performance. So should you and your partner as you rescue your relationship and create a healthy, winning team!

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

The Power of a Dream

Mon, 16 Jan 2023 12:15:00 GMT

As this day begins, I reflect on the life and well-documented legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. His fight for freedom, justice, and equality marks a significant turning point in the awakening of the consciousness of the United States of America. Dr. King pursued his dream of equality for all by using non-violent means of protest and dissent. He appealed to the nation to live up to the self-evident truths that all men are created equal, including the unalienable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, which are endowed by the Creator and both of which are memorialized in the Declaration of Independence.

In his famous “I Have A Dream” speech, Dr. King articulated his vision for America, his dream for his children, for Negro people in particular and for all of America. He shared his expectations around how to successfully pursue his dream for America. He emphasized dignity, and discipline. Dr. King also made it clear that his plan of attack was to use non-violent protests as his approach in the quest for equality and justice. You can read the full "I Have A Dream" speech by following this link .

Dr. King’s mission was clear. His why, his expectations, and his plan would propel him forward towards the fulfillment of his dreams. For starters, understand that the power of a dream will enable a dreamer to achieve whatever is your ultimate "WHY" in life. People generally go back and forth to work and say to themselves, " I wish...if only I could have...if only I knew then what I know now," and numerous other lamentations as to why they do not feel fulfilled in life. The key in life to feeling fulfilled is to simply listen to your inner spirit and make your daily work in life something that you love to do and will help you achieve your DREAMS!

Too many people when asked, "Where do you see yourself 2-5 years from now" give the answer, "Just let me make it to this weekend." The underlying reason that they don’t know where they are going to be is because they have no dreams, or their dreams are loosely defined and lack clarity. This can be extremely frightening! My dream is to empower people to find their WHY in life and to propel them toward their dreams in life.

Take a moment to review the personal inventory of your life and ask yourself these potentially life-changing questions:

WHAT is my “WHY” in life? (in other words, why am I getting up each and every day? Or why is the dream so important?) The answer to this question can easily be the source of your power to continue when challenges occur.
What are my expectations on how I will pursue, and live out my why?
Where would I like to be 2-5 years from now?
Would a coach be helpful as I define my why?
Do I have the drive to be consistent in pressing forward or would an accountability partner be more advantageous to ensure I remain focused?

When you reflect on these questions, be honest with yourself. The key to living a fulfilled life is waking up each day with a driving desire to achieve your "WHY” and a clear focus on how to accomplish it. You must have a well thought out plan and you must have expectations about how to work you plan. Learn to hold fast to your expectations about how to pursue your goals and be consistent and disciplined every step along the way. If you have answers to the questions and have the plan to achieve your goals within your specified timeframe, congratulations! Work your plan and you will eventually achieve your dreams. If you are not clear about your why, or how to achieve it, I am offering you a discovery session to discuss how you can find clarity, set expectations and a workable plan, and ultimately experience the fulfillment that lives on the other side of discipline and consistency. Having a coach as a part of your winning team may be all you need to bring your dreams into focus. Sign up for your free discovery session with me and begin the process of pursuing your self fulfillment!

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

High Expectations

Mon, 09 Jan 2023 12:15:00 GMT

Our expectations can lead us to that which we seek to enjoy during our lifetime or to that which we will simply settle for. Expectation can be a powerful life force when coupled with the right life habits and tools. Unfortunately, many people don’t learn the process of creating or refining the tools that will leverage their expectations to achieve the fulfillment which is coupled with exceeded expectations. They lack the ability to lift themselves out of their current circumstance to attain the satisfaction of a life of well-deserved gratification. High expectations demand vision, discipline, and focused execution. It requires you to define what you want and the persistent diligence to pursue your wants with an unwavering commitment. The good news is that you can refine or develop the necessary habits!

Expectations are not synonymous with goals

Expectations have more to do with how we perform against the goals we set as opposed to being the goal we strive to achieve. In the simplest terms, the goals are the “what” you seek to achieve, and the expectations are the “character” you will exhibit in your quest to achieve the goals. Key components to attaining your goals and ultimately fulfillment include things like goals, expectations, and mindset. The successful leveraging of these components can lead to fulfillment. An illustration of the components may be useful in framing how these components build upon each other.

Too often, people follow the define-and-hope model as a means of moving towards their goals. They “kind of” identify what their expectation is (so it is “defined”), and then they simply hope that it works out in the end. If things don’t work out, “no harm, no foul” because nothing was at risk to begin with. If there is nothing at risk however, there cannot be an expected or granted great reward. Moreover, the define-and-hope model relies on chance for things to work out. Be assured that chance will never be the main ingredient in meeting or exceeding expectations and, hoping for the best but expecting the worst is not a plan suitable for gratifying fulfillment! The most effective way to meet (and exceed) expectations is to develop a clear vision for yourself, plan to meet or exceed your expectations, and cultivate the attitude (mindset) that the met expectation is yours with intentional work and ongoing determination.

Resist Cultural Autopilot

Our cultural conditioning has taught us things like "don't get your hopes up" – just in case you might be disappointed. Sadly, we've been taught in some instances to aim as low as possible. Everything above that will be a bonus. Right? Wrong! Cultural autopilot is sadly the emotional default and only through conscious effort and consistent nurturing of your desires and emotions can you begin to live life by your own standards. Only through efforts counter to cultural autopilot can you create the habits that will lead you to a life of abundance and fulfilment. One thing remains clear, what you expect with certainty (whether high expectations or mediocre ones) is what you display in your life. I dare to break away from the autopilot of the masses that settle for a mediocre life; a life that is not really fulfilled but not unhappy enough to pursue a higher standard. If you want to lift your life and the quality of your life to a higher standard, you need to start by raising your expectations. Raise your expectations of who you can be and what you believe is attainable. When you lift your expectations to a higher level you raise your own standards and raising your standards is the first step to improving your life.

The Necessary Habits

You need no special skills or knowledge to raise your expectations. You simply need a decision that from this point forward, you will never again settle for anything less than you that which rises to your level of expectations. Revisit and recommit to that decision and let it guide your behavior! Push to achieve a higher standard! The difference between hoping for something with uncertainty and depending on something with expectation is nothing but the way you control and direct the focus of your mind. What you say to yourself, the images you imagine, and your behavior in the face of challenges are what you can consciously manage and control, should you choose to do so. Next, create the plan to exceed your expectations and begin the process of consistent work toward fulfillment. Replace the doubt and fear by only seeing and working consistently toward your success. This shift in focus is the beginning of cultivating a mindset that supports exceeded expectations. Your expectations can set the stage for great results. Your intentional follow-through coupled with a sound plan and a mindset that supports exceeded expectations are the only tools you need to seek, find and exceed your expectations. Never settle, plan for and pursue your expectations with passion!

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

Create a Workable Plan to Reach Your Goals

Mon, 02 Jan 2023 12:15:00 GMT

Do you struggle when it comes to reaching your goals? Do you have everything in life that you desire? Are you always calm and patient, or are you often frustrated, angry and disappointed at your lack of progress? It’s not uncommon for us to lose focus, or even interest in our goals. We often don’t consider the amount of patience, discipline and consistency required to enjoy the success of reaching goals we set. As the end of 2022 draws near and we all face the prospect of setting new year’s resolutions, maybe its time to approach those goals differently. Here are a few tips on how to plan for success in the new year resolutions!

Write a plan of action
It’s good to have goals but it is greater to have goals with a plan of action. Believe it or not, a good plan of attack is 90% of the battle when it comes to achieving your goals. Things to consider when writing your plan of action include:

Define the why, how, and when because these items are the reason behind the goals that you set for yourself. Why is the goal important to you? How do you plan to reach your goal and when will you be done? Be sure to write down your why, how, and when because you will always be able to refer back to it if and when you need a little inspiration or feel discouraged!

Create a schedule that you can follow and be sure to include check-in points to monitor your progress. The schedule should be a routine schedule that is repeatable. Depending on the timeline to reach your goals, the schedule can be daily or weekly as an example. Your schedule should also include milestones that are within your reach. When you get to the milestones, be sure to celebrate your success. These small victories can be the fuel you need to push forward.

Execute against the plan daily
This step is critical because daily execution is where your discipline and consistency will become the habits necessary to remain focused on your goal. Creating habits can take several weeks so it is important to follow your plan thoughtfully to ensure that you reach your milestones, and ultimately attain your goals.

Evaluate your progress
Create a “Goals Journal” and be sure to document your plan, timeline, and weekly progress so that you can monitor what is working and what isn't. This is another critical step that is often overlooked but having the ability to adjust your plans and timeline could very well be the difference between meaningful progress or deferring your goals yet again. Minor adjustments to your plan will never equal giving up on your goals. Remember this!

Give yourself a little grace
All too often, we are so hard on ourselves that we quit on our goals. We expect perfection when we know what our weaknesses are and where our imperfections are hidden. Or we give in at the first sign of weakness (because that’s what we always do) as if there can never be a different result. Neither of these instances are ideal given the truth of the human condition.

When setting goals or resolutions, we don’t take into consideration what didn’t work the last time we made the same resolution, and we likely give up at the exact same point each time we set the goal. It may make more sense to factor in that we are human, flawed, and prone to surrender to our weaknesses so that we can factor in the need to recommit along the way and focus on getting right back on course when we stumble. A little grace is all you may need!

Celebrate your accomplishments

I’m big on celebrating no matter how great or small of an accomplishment. These celebrations have everything to do with your mindset. If you have a winning mindset your will gravitate toward success. If you have a defeatist mindset, I think you can imagine what you will be drawn toward in that case. Create a winning mindset by celebrating your accomplishments and before you know it, you’ll be celebrating the achievement of your goals!

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

For those of you who could use an accountability partner for ongoing support and inspiration, a life coach can help you to find out what you need and can help inspire you to get there. Our goal is to successfully support you in realizing your full potential and assist in giving your life a new direction. Our task oriented, collaborative sessions will help you to identify any problems and concerns that stand in the way of achieving your goals, and we will support you in applying the actions I shared earlier. We understand that breakthroughs require growth and growth requires vision followed by consistent action to successfully reach your goals. Book a free discovery session now!

Avoid These Mistakes by Hiring A Coach

Mon, 26 Dec 2022 12:15:00 GMT

Do you believe that reaching out to someone for guidance somehow indicates that you aren’t enough, or that it somehow means you’re incapable, not smart enough, strong enough or good enough? To the contrary, the people who seek professional coaching are in fact, extremely capable, smart, strong, and more. They choose coaching because they are ready to accelerate their personal or professional lives and work with a certified coach who will enable them to achieve their goals faster, and with better results than they could achieve on their own.

A coach will facilitate your self-discovery process, meaning the identification and prioritization of your goals, and additionally, help you to discover and implement the steps forward on the road to your personal achievement. Your coach will help you create your action plan, as well as prepare for and help you overcome any challenges you encounter along the way. Your coach serves your accountability partner and will play a significant role in transforming you into a Goal Achiever instead of just a Goal Setter, someone who walks the walk instead of just talking the talk. Think of your coach as your success partner, whose reason for being is to help you get what you want quicker, easier and with better results than you could have on your own. With that in mind, here are three common actions in no particular order, that fall short of achievement when considering changes without seeking the help of a coach:

#1 – Investing in resource materials without creating/following a plan of action.

Let’s face it; there are an infinite number of things that you can spend your hard-earned money and valuable time on these days. When you know you want things to be different or better, it’s easy for you to waste your time and your money in one of two ways:

The first way is spending your time and money collecting information that comes in the form of books, software, seminars, reports, or programs. You are collecting information that you believe can help you get what you want. Now don’t get the wrong idea, information is a great resource, but we want to make something very clear. Information resources alone will not get you results. You will only succeed by taking consistent action toward achieving your goals by applying what you’ve learned from the information you’ve collected.

The second way you may be wasting your time and money is by acquiring and participating in things that have nothing to do with, and even go against you reaching your goals. Have you ever allowed a month to go by where you indulged every food craving you had and did not exercise regularly during that month, even though your deepest desire is to achieve and maintain a healthy body weight and lifestyle? Or maybe you’ve gone out and used a credit card to buy an expensive gadget that you don’t really need, when what you truly desire is to eliminate all debt and achieve financial freedom? Spending your time or money on things that give you immediate gratification but have nothing to do with your goals and values will always leave you feeling empty and looking for the next quick fix. Working with a coach on an ongoing basis is the most time and cost-effective investment you can make in yourself and your quality of life. Coaching can help you to evaluate your behaviors, and ensure that your habits are in line with your goals.

#2 – Waiting for a “good” time to make a change or go after the things you really want in life.

Life will always be filled with family and business obligations to attend to, errands to run, chores to do, TV programs to watch and people and projects that want your time, energy, and money. Your life will always be busy, life will always get in the way of what you want to achieve, if you let it. Join forces with a professional coach who can assist you in making the most of every moment starting right now. Your coach will hold you accountable while keeping you focused and on track to achieving your goals no matter what life throws at you.

#3 – Telling yourself you can’t afford a coach

Those people who use coaches consistently report that it is the best money they ever spent because their investment in an ongoing coaching partnership enables them to achieve their goals. What’s even better is coaching enables them to achieve their goals quicker, easier and with better results. Now think about that for a moment. Think about what that means for you. Anything you want is available to you quicker, easier and with better results through the vehicle of coaching.

If you are still unsure, consider this, it’s not enough for you to say you want things to be different. Just wanting something doesn’t make it so. You must decide and then take purposeful and consistent action toward what you want. When you invest in a professional coach, you support your commitment to achieving the things that you want.

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

The Situation May Seem Hopeless but Things Can Always Get Better

Mon, 19 Dec 2022 12:15:00 GMT

Within the past week, the country was witness to a tragic loss of life. Stephen “tWitch” Boss apparently succumbed to past challenges; took his life; and left behind his wife of nine years and three children. Suicide is a painful reality that happens all too often in our society. It is heartbreaking for the family and friends left behind because even the darkest circumstances can get better.

I do not profess to know, or understand the challenges associated with trauma, depression, anxiety or other conditions that lead to suicide. I pray for Mr. Boss and all those who think that ending their life is the only viable option. My heart hurts for the people left behind as they attempt to make sense of the loss of their loved ones.

Here are some behaviors identified by the Suicide Prevention Resource Center that may indicate that a person is at immediate risk for suicide:

Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself
Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or obtaining guns
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live

Behaviors that may indicate serious risk-especially if the behavior is new; has increased; and/or seems related to a painful event, loss, or change:

Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
Talking about being a burden to others
Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs
Acting anxious or agitated, behaving recklessly
Sleeping too little or too much
Withdrawing or feeling isolated
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
Displaying extreme mood swings

If you need help or know someone who does, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If you are experiencing mental health-related distress or are worried about a loved one who may need crisis support:

Call or text 988 from your phone
Chat at 988lifeline.org

Additional Resources

Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor 24/7
Trevor Project: 24/7 LGBTQ+ crisis intervention and suicide prevention
Trans Lifeline: peer support hotline run by and for trans people at 877-565-8860

Hope Byus Coaching LLC can help

The Case for Setting Goals

183:920751408 (Paul Byus) — Wed, 07 Dec 2022 01:10:57 GMT

Spontaneity or Purpose & Direction?

There is much to be said about spontaneity. It can be fun to live in the moment and enjoy the excitement of where your mood takes you. An unplanned weekend excursion; surprise dinner and a movie with friends or your significant other; or even a night on the town can offer you an escape from the day-to-day routine that tends to feel somewhat uninspired or even boring. At the same time, however, many people have succumbed to life altering consequences while living in the spur of the moment. The truth is, while spontaneity can be fun, in the long-term, we are wired to live optimally when we have a stated purpose and direction. Consider the following reasons why goal setting is important.

Goals Lead to Intentional Focus & Direction

Goals can give our lives that sense of purpose necessary to pursue success and fulfillment during our time on earth. The need for goals and direction leads me to recall an African proverb that originated, I believe, with an Ethiopian author and playwright named Abe Gubegna. The proverb, as recounted by the maglite.com blog, reads as follows:

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle awakens. He has only one thought on his mind: to be able to run faster than the fastest lion. If he cannot, then he will be eaten. Every morning in Africa a lion awakens. He has only one thought on his mind: to be able to run faster than the slowest gazelle. If he cannot, he will die of hunger.

Whether you choose to be a gazelle or a lion is of no consequence. It is enough to know that with the rising of the sun, you must run. And you must run faster than you did yesterday, or you will die. This is the race of life.

While the human condition is not as dramatic as the life-or-death consequences that face predators and their prey each moment of every day, we certainly have consequences that we will face if we do not have goals that will lead us to fulfillment.

Own Your Goals and Your Outcomes

It is easy to let others set our direction for us. We take a job or choose a career because family or friends point us in that direction. We move in other directions because popular culture or the media tells us (subconsciously or otherwise) to do so. There is no shortage of people who will offer advice, suggestions or explicitly tell us what to do, but you should think carefully about taking advice from people you are not willing to trade places with (thanks for the quote, Darren C!).

The simple truth is that if we do not own goals, then we will find it too easy (and potentially unfulfilling) to follow a path set by others. This can lead to lack of commitment, stress, and unhappiness if we do not attain the desired outcome, or fall short of any of the expectations connected to the suggested goal. We have a greater chance of happiness and fulfillment when we own our goals (selected or suggested/accepted) and follow our own path to pursuing our own goals. Clarifying point: Goals that you elect or accept at the suggestion of others become yours. They are specific to you and the plan of action you put in place the moment you identify the goal as your own. When you move in a direction suggested by others, they are not responsible for your success or lack thereof. You own the goal and the outcome.

Whether you set your course independent from the suggestions of others or if you do choose to take the advice from someone else, you must understand that you are still setting the goal and the course for yourself. Pursue your goals with the same tenacity and vigor whether it was originally yours or if it was at the suggestion of others. The outcome associated with goals you set will be a direct reflection of your effort.

Goals Fuel Motivation

While goals certainly give our lives direction, they can also provide the motivation and point of focus to get us through difficult times and choices. It’s important to briefly revisit the SMART Goals concept which I discussed in a previous article focused on Creating Positive Change . For our goals to provide motivation, they should be SMART Goals. Smart goals are defined as follows:

S pecific – narrowed focus

M easurable – identifiable progress

A ttainable – can be acted upon by you

R ealistic – high likelihood of success given your ability and resources

T imely – completion deadline

The SMART Goal framework is very useful in ensuring you avoid feeling overwhelmed or even stuck due to an inability to act forward in attaining your goals. Goals can keep you motivated when you can visualize successes (however big or small) each day. Most importantly, if you celebrate ALL progress, you can generate additional motivation which can be useful fuel to continue pressing forward. Many people make the mistake of not celebrating small things because of the perception that small things (think insignificant) are not worthy of celebration. This approach can falsely lead you to believe that you are not moving forward. I say celebrate all wins whether big or small and keep pressing forward!

Goals Can Serve as Your Lighthouse

To quote Academy Award Winner Denzel Washington: “Dreams without goals remain dreams and ultimately fuel disappointment.” In that same regard, the absence of goals makes it very difficult to reach the result which you seek. Goals serve as the destination for what we really want to achieve in life. Metaphorically, goals serve as the beacon of light near the coastline that allow ships to navigate their way to the intended destination.

For some people, goals are measured in money or material goods, while for others, goals are measured in time or freedom. If we do not have goals outlined that suit our unique desires, it is easy to become sidetracked by the desires most immediate to our physical or emotional position in life. It is important to understand the impact of failing to set goals because every decision in life has a cost or consequence attached to it. Some of those consequences can be managed or even minimized when we set goals early enough in life and the result could be very fulfilling. For instance, setting a goal to save for retirement and starting while in your 20s will have a higher likelihood of creating security later in life as opposed to setting that same goal as a fifty-year-old. There are other examples that have a very expensive time expiration range like living a healthy lifestyle, pursuing higher education, and in some cases getting married and starting a family. Be sure to set goals early and reap the fruits of your labor with years of fulfillment.

Pay Now, Play Later - or - Play Now and PAY...Later

The fable of the ant and the grasshopper best illustrates the concept of pay now, play later as compared to the play now PAY later approach. In the fable, the ant works tirelessly during the summer to prepare for the hard times of winter, while the grasshopper sings, dances and has fun during the summer but suffers terribly during the winter and must face stress, desperation, starvation, and the threat of death at the hand of the elements of winter. If you spend your time setting goals now and putting a plan into action to achieve those goals, you will likely be much better prepared for the future challenges.

Goals can help you maximize your use of time. When your “To Do” list becomes too long and your calendar too full, you can simply compare your goals to the list to identify which items will help you move closer to your goal. What items will help you achieve your goal? What items are necessary to reach your goal? You can then manage the rest by setting priorities.

Just as goals save time, they also can reduce stress because using your goals to focus your life and choices makes it easier to make those choices in a timely manner. Should you take that new position at work or work longer in your current position to gain skills and education to prepare you for your next promotion or career move? How will the new position match up to your goals?

Finally, goals can give you a measurable sense of accomplishment and position you to map out the plan that you will follow to achieve your goals. Denzel Washington also stated that “between your goals and achievement are discipline and consistency”. You can read more about my take on discipline and consistency in one of my earlier blog posts. Every goal you achieve, in fact every step you make toward that goal, can give you a boost of energy and momentum to keep going forward. Each success can propel you to the next level of success, so be sure to acknowledge your success whether big or small.

Now get busy setting goals!

Professional Coaching from Hope Byus LLC

For those of you who could use an accountability partner for ongoing extra inspiration, a life coach can help you to find out what you need and can help inspire you to get there. Our goal is to successfully support you in realizing your full potential and assist in giving your life a new direction. Our task oriented, collaborative sessions will help you to identify any problems and concerns that stand in the way of achieving your goals, and we will support you in applying the actions I shared earlier. We understand that breakthroughs require growth and growth requires vision followed by consistent action to successfully reach your goals.

The New Beginning

183:920751408 (Paul Byus) — Mon, 05 Dec 2022 12:15:00 GMT

Does What You Do Fuel Your Passion?

My Story

You might be surprised to find out that I’m a nonprofit accounting manager who specializes in Federal grants and contracts. I am also the owner of a small bookkeeping firm with individuals, nonprofit and other small businesses as clients. In addition to bookkeeping, I provide tax services, volunteer on nonprofit boards, currently serve, and have served as the treasurer on a couple of political campaigns in the District of Columbia and Suburban Maryland. I enjoy a rewarding career and I am grateful for all the growth, learning and development that I have experienced over the years.

I think what makes my accounting career special is that I get to help individuals & small businesses critically think about how to become efficient, comply with laws and regulations, and solve problems each day. My interactions are fuel for my passion. I have also had the privilege of mentoring many aspiring accounting professionals from at least five continents across the world. It is a privilege to train and supervise, and in some cases counsel others in their desire to become tomorrow’s professionals here in the United States. Of course, managing staff isn’t always fun and inspiring. I’ve had to deal with some very difficult situations as well. Managing staff can be both rewarding and exhausting, but I wouldn’t trade the experiences for anything.

What I have come to realize is that what I do for a living provides me enough of the passion filled experiences that bring me a great deal of gratification. Service to others speaks to what I am passionate about. I am thankful that I experience personal fulfillment in my role as an accounting professional, however, I have learned over these last three years that what I do doesn’t fully make my heart sing. Passion doesn’t always appear like a roaring lion. Many times, our passions show up in our lives ever so gently, even timidly, like a lamb. We need to be attentive to recognize the gentle visitor as it ever so slightly becomes visible.

Related to My Genetics

One of the most significant things that I heard my grandmother say when I was a young child was that it was her desire “to always be a servant of others and never become one requiring service from others”. My grandmother was a devout Christian, as was her daughter, my mother. The result of their faith was instilled in me throughout my life, and I was taught to serve in the Christian way. Simply put, I was taught to love others as Christ loves me. My Christian education has always been a part of me even when I wasn’t noticing it.

I didn’t know as a child that my grandmother was as much a servant as I recently discovered but, even in her humility, and loving compassion for me, her lessons were passed down to me as if they were somehow part of our genetic makeup. My grandmother was much more than a servant. She was a servant-leader, a powerhouse in her local community. Her role in community action led to the creation and transfer of generational wealth that has been passed down in the underserved communities in southern (in many ways rural) Maryland for the last 50 years. Families that could never have dreamed of owning property have successfully acquired homes and passed those homes down to their children and their children’s children. In fact, an example of the wealth that my grandmother and other community leaders created can be understood in this way: a housing development was created whereby qualifying families were able to purchase homes for less than $10,000 about fifty years ago, and some of those homes today are worth as much as $250,000…and, in many cases, some of the original home purchasers still live in that community today. Her efforts to help those in need garnered her recognition from the local community in Mechanicsville, MD to the Maryland State House (posthumously), to even the then Pope John Paul II and the Vatican. My grandmother was not canonized a saint by a pope and nor did she qualify, but her efforts as a servant-leader in a small town were certainly recognized by one. I am proud we share the same genetics!

Finding My Way

As a high school sophomore, I still remember having no clue about what I wanted to be when I grew up. The thought of “adulting” hadn’t quite kicked in but I knew it was on the horizon. I took an assessment test at school and the results suggested I would be happiest in some sort of social work field. I ignored the suggestion, thinking my being in the social work industry was somehow flawed. Still searching for that elusive career path, I had the good sense to take elective classes in high school to see if there was something that might possibly interest me and thus, provide me with some sort of direction when I got to college. I’m not sure what possessed me to take an introduction to accounting course as an elective in my junior year, but I was pleasantly surprised! I finally found something that interested me, and it also made sense. From that point on, my plan was to be an accountant. It was great having direction, and a goal to focus on as scholastic aptitude tests and college applications began to come into full view.

College came and went, and it should be no surprise that I focused my time and effort on accounting classes during my time in college. My approach was flawed in that I tuned out any classes that were not business/accounting related. I only took those non-business classes that were required to graduate. Had I kept an open mind, I could have possibly found my passion much earlier in life and enjoyed both direction and passion simultaneously. Live and learn.

A few years later my career began as a staff accountant on Capitol Hill and shortly thereafter, I had my introduction into supervising staff in a regional public accounting firm…and the rest, they say, is history. I enjoyed the supervisory role for the opportunity to guide and mentor others. It required me to learn what I was teaching with a greater deal of care. It also required me to be accountable to myself and others and I enjoyed the responsibility. Thank God my first experience with supervising wasn’t a horror story!

One of the cons about accounting though is that it is monotonous. Same thing day in and day out but supervising staff takes a dynamic approach and a great attention to detail. I enjoyed sharing my knowledge and, more than that, I enjoyed helping others grow as professionals. Therefore, the people management side of business and accounting became part of the fuel that my passion required. I thought many times about changing professions but nothing I investigated felt like it was food to my soul. I neglected to mention that ultimately, I also chose the non-profit world and found that it felt good focusing on mission-driven work as opposed to solely focusing on money (there goes the genetics thing again).

My Awakening

Throughout the years, I always had folks seeking my opinion on all types of matters. I was happy to be of service, much like my grandmother, so I often did tax returns for free, spoke with prior supervisors, prior employees, and friends and colleagues about business matters and/or financial situations, and helped when friends tried their hand at politics and needed a campaign treasurer. I learned about Federal and State political action committees, and campaign finance reports while working on the Hill. I never thought anything about it, or even thought I would use the campaign finance experience once I left the Hill.

I think my natural curiosity is part of the reason I have such a breadth of knowledge and experience. My differing experiences are also why I can assist many folks in many different areas. I didn’t always recognize that the one constant in my prior experiences was that my enjoyment really came from helping people with challenges, concerns, or issues that they needed to think through. That realization became clear when my wife and I got involved in marriage ministry at our church a few years ago.

Ministry Involvement

I have a long history of being involved in religious ministry, I grew up in the Catholic Church and served as an altar boy in grade school, attended Christian summer camp, went on many retreats in middle and high school, served on parish councils, church finance councils, sang in choirs during and after college and enjoyed being a servant leader. It wasn’t until my wife & I became involved in facilitating marriage readiness classes that I realized how gratifying working with people on intimate issues can be. Coaching became our focus and there was no other fuel to my passion quite like helping people become better people. I mentioned earlier that I also enjoy the mission-driven work of nonprofits and I continue to work with mission driven organizations and their leaders.

The Blended Family & Community Involvement

My wife & I met almost nine years ago, both divorcees at the time, and married only months before the pandemic shut everything down in early 2020. Over the last three years, we have probably spent 30% or more of our time each year working with couples who were considering marriage. Over and above that, we work with couples working facing conflict and coaching them on how to better move forward. We continue this work currently, but our community involvement doesn’t stop there. Both my wife and I are members of “D9” organizations (I’m a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc., and she is a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.). I have been a servant leader in my fraternity for many years (almost 13 years now). I have held many leadership positions in my local chapter and began leading our health and wellness committee this year. The amazing part is that none of this feels like work. It truly is where my passion lies. Much like my grandmother, I hope to always be a servant to others and never expect to be served. It has truly been a winding road for me, but it was of my own making. Nevertheless, I consider myself very fortunate, blessed, if you will because I enjoy what I do. A life of service to my fellow man and my community is food to my soul. I’ve found what fuels my passion, and you can too!

Professional Coaching from Hope Byus LLC

Discipline and Consistency

Mon, 28 Nov 2022 12:15:00 GMT

Creating Positive Change ~ Part Two

The Secret Ingredients

Have you ever wondered what the missing component is to successfully maintain progress against your new year’s resolution? Every year, millions of people resolve to make changes in their lifestyle to start fresh, begin anew, and make changes for a better way of life. Yet it seems that after several weeks, or even several days, those resolutions are a distant memory for most of us. There are people who make considerable progress against their goals and resolutions and maintain the drive to push forward when everyone else surrenders to the old habits of the past. What is the secret in the sauce for those that stay the course? Do they have more willpower than you? Determination is very important, because the person who did not reach their goal is usually the one who gave up before they reached the “finish line”. (Consider that Thomas Edison tried 700 times before inventing the light bulb.) Sometimes, a person simply needs to keep trying and not give up.

Is it a matter of sheer determination, or could there be a strategy in place for them that could help you improve your results? If you had a different approach, could you also be enjoying the long-term satisfaction that comes along with consistent life changes? Not only is it possible, but it is also proven that you can experience better results. I have not only heard about people who have experienced the success of discipline and consistency, I have also experienced it firsthand! I will give you the recipe to my secret sauce in a few minutes but first, listen to the example that made me believe that the tools were real, but more importantly, that they reside within each of us, and we simply need to exercise and nurture them.

Many years ago, I was watching one of the late-night talk shows and the host was interviewing an actor about strong-willed people. I recall the actor telling the host a story of how strong his father’s will was and how he used his internal fortitude to quit smoking without ever seeking a treatment program or any other kind of help. The actor went on to say that his father decided to give up smoking one day and the way he did it was to always keep a pack of cigarettes in his shirt pocket. I know, it sounds peculiar, but keep tracking along with me on the story. When the urge to have a cigarette came over the gentleman, he would take the pack of cigarettes from his shirt pocket, look at and say to the cigarettes “Who’s stronger, are you stronger? No, I’m stronger!” And with that, the gentleman would decline the invitation to have a smoke and put the cigarettes back in his shirt pocket.

At the time, the lesson for me was that the will of the human mind is much more powerful than we can imagine and somehow, this gentleman figured out how to, on his own, create a habit that would positively change his life. I haven’t met too many people who have such remarkable abilities, but I knew then, and I know now, that those abilities are very real. I believe that the gentleman’s secret is rooted in self-discipline and consistency. Understanding and applying this is not quite enough for most of us. I believe we need to create discipline and consistency by focusing on three key concepts:

Your raison d’etre (reason for being, or simply put: your “why”)
Remaining ever-present in every action (mindfulness)
Acknowledging the smallest victories (reward ALL progress)

Now that you have the secret ingredients, let me share briefly how it keeps me focused on creating positive change in my life.

For me to be successful, certain things must be “in order”. Over time, I have learned that if I can understand how change can benefit me, and I acknowledge that the change is better than my current state of being, then all I must do is follow the model I’ve previously shared with you and keep everything in balance. To recap, the system of creating positive change looks like this:

Decide on the area of life that needs to be changed
Create SMART goals that address that area
Create action steps that will lead to the achievement of the SMART goals
Execute the actions steps with discipline and consistency
Make my “why” a part of my immediate self-conscious
Remain mindful that my choices must always be in order with my action steps
Acknowledge and reward each victory, no matter how insignificant it appears

Believe me, this process is easier said than done, but if you can slowly create the repeatable behavior that is in order with this approach, you will have created the positive change that will steer any future changes or necessary transitions for the rest of your life. Discipline and consistency are the bricks that pave the way to personal achievement!

The Company You Keep

So, you have put a great deal of thought, time, and effort into positioning yourself to create positive changes in your life. You are hopefully at the point of execution. And now your friends and family are noticing something different about you. It is interesting that when we make changes in our lives, it sometimes makes those closest to us curious or maybe uncomfortable. They notice something different about you or how you are behaving. There is a reason for this. Are you familiar with this old Welsh proverb: “Birds of a feather flock together”? How about this saying: “Don’t be afraid of being outnumbered. Eagles fly alone, pigeons flock together”. These sayings tell a real story that is worth mentioning at this point. As you begin to go after the positive changes in your life and reach beyond the boundaries of your current existence, some of the people in your circle of relationships will applaud the changes but others may doubt your sincerity and resolve. Some may even try to discourage you as your breakthroughs are achieved and your goals draw near. As your transition continues, it may be a good idea for you to surround yourself with people who have similar goals or are willing to support you and hold you accountable. This support system can add more motivation and provide additional fuel which will help you to reach your goal.

Professional Coaching from Hope Byus LLC

Count Your Blessings

Mon, 21 Nov 2022 03:06:48 GMT

Gratitude Can Lead to Positive Change

Count Your Blessings

Achieving positive change in your life might seem like an uphill battle at times, but your mindset can have a big impact on how successful you are. One of the keys to positive changes that I have experienced is living my life from a position of gratitude. I choose to always be thankful for my situation because I have come to understand that while things can be better, they can also be worse. During the difficult times in my life, I understand that things can be more challenging and successfully use that fact to muster up the strength to push through.

As we make our way to Thanksgiving 2022 here in the USA, I wanted to share some of my blessings and to give thanks for all I have achieved. I am grateful for many things and continued blessings! God’s grace and mercy has played a major role in the milestones that have occurred and not the least of which is my continued health and mobility. There have been many other blessings as well, a new business, thriving children, continued employment, spiritual growth and increasing maturity, ongoing ministry outreach and others. This list goes on and I continue to acknowledge my blessings, even in difficult times. Doing so helps me keep a positive mindset.

This past summer, I unexpectedly spent a few days in the hospital. The result was favorable; however, lifestyle changes were a necessity. As a result of the changes, I am more healthy, alert, and grateful for the positive impact. Of course, the outcome of my health scare could have meant an inability to function in the same way as I have throughout my adult life, but that did not come to pass, which is one of the many blessings I have experienced this year. Another good thing that I recognize is that I can make life changes (in most cases) without any significant temptation to fall back into old habits. Don’t get me wrong, it is difficult in some instances, but that is not true across the board for me.

Since the beginning of 2020 (almost three years now), my wife and I have been focusing on better eating and a healthier lifestyle, but the pandemic years included understandable stress and many other forces that seemed to operate against our diet and activity goals. 2020 started well. I had lost 25 pounds by the summer, and we were walking roughly 7 miles daily. Later in the year, as the fall was in full swing, all the weight loss wins evaporated as the cold fall weather began to appear. The COVID weight gain showed up in a big way as the holiday season got into full swing.

At the end of the winter in early 2021, we went back to the business of healthy eating and walking, but much to my dismay, I dealt with a couple of injuries that limited my mobility. The most aggravating was a foot injury, and we therefore spent less time outside. As you would imagine, spending months with my foot elevated added to the weight gain but a breakthrough happened, the foot injury subsided in the early fall of 2021. I was blessed with the ability to walk again and took advantage as the season began to transition from summer to fall. The result is that I have now lost just about all of the COVID weight and I’m on track with my mid-term health goals.

The people in my life are another reason for my gratitude in this season. My wife and children are dear to me. My siblings, close friends from my college days and many of my church ministry friends and fraternity brothers also make up a network of people that willingly engage me in difficult conversations, provide advice and counsel when appropriate, and serve as my accountability partners as necessary. I have a wonderful village surrounding me, and they support me in difficult things and joyful things alike. I hope for many additional years of relationship.

Why You Should Acknowledge your Blessings

Of my many blessings this year, I have mentioned a couple that I have experienced. The power of acknowledging those blessings can include several benefits:

It allows you to keep a positive outlook.
It often provides the fuel needed to continue to press forward.
It can dispel the myth that nothing good ever happens to you or in your life.
It creates a mental record of positive outcomes that you’ve experienced and can be the catalyst you need to believe you can change your habits.
It can give you proof that you are capable of successfully making changes in your situation.

Reflections

As you reflect on your own journey in 2022, what things are you counting as blessings? What things or people do you hold dear, and have you considered saying that you are grateful for their presence in your life? Lastly, have you considered that if you have things that you count as blessings, then maybe you too can dispel the myth that nothing good ever happens in your life?

Once you realize there is power in creating a mindset that can propel you forward, you only need to create a plan to attain your goals and celebrate all victories, big or small, along the journey. If you want to make positive changes in your life, I encourage you to start by counting your blessings. Happy Thanksgiving!

Professional Coaching from Hope Byus LLC

Creating Positive Change

183:920751408 (Paul Byus) — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 12:07:06 GMT

Change Can Be Difficult

There are times in life when you may feel completely stuck. It could be because of a personal situation that makes you unhappy and you lack the motivation, or extra push necessary to create positive change in your life. Maybe you feel confined to a job or career that is high stress and low (financial) reward. To complicate things even further, you might not even be clear about what it is that you want or how to safely achieve it. If you are currently stuck in ruts such as these, I am happy to say that there are tools and resources to initiate changes your circumstances. Whether your work life, love life, school life or home life, having a plan to create positive change can be the puzzle piece you need!

Even for those of us that are full of ambition and resiliency, change can be hard to embrace. Starting over from scratch can be difficult and taking two steps backward to find our way forward simply doesn’t seem appealing no matter how promising the outcome may seem. Many of us are taught from an early age to accept things as they are and maintain the existing routine because the known patterns are both familiar and safe. We are creatures of habit. I remember the first time my father made breakfast for my brother and I while our mother was recovering from a brief hospital stay. I repeatedly told my dad that he was not making breakfast the way mom did it. His cooking was edible (and I did eat) but his technique went outside of the defined pattern and for me, it was a bit unsettling.

You also are a creature of habit with daily patterns, and rituals, whether a morning coffee routine, the essential “prepare for the workday” ritual, the afterwork happy hour routine, or a countless number of other habits...they all make life "comfortable” or bearable, if you will. We are trained to behave in the same manner and follow the same routines because it is where we find comfort, security, and balance. The fact is that if you are of college age or older, you have already created routines or habits that give you some level of comfort and the slightest deviation is disruptive enough for you to realize that something just is not right. If you doubt this, try a little experiment. If you tend to hold your beverage in your right hand, switch to using your left hand for one day. Or if you regularly pray with your hands clasped together, shift the way you clasp your hands and see if it feels out of order, or distracting. I would suggest an experiment with study habits but if you are anything like the college student I was, its best not to disturb that routine, hah!

The truth is that change is one of the few things that will remain a constant in our lives. In each life season, there is change. We transition from college to the work world, we transition from the single life to married life, to parenting, to empty nesters, to coping with the loss of loved ones, to job relocations, to rebuilding from natural disasters, etc. All these things require us to change and adapt, yet rarely do we develop the tools or a plan to adequately transition. There are strategies that you can create to manage change and we will talk briefly about a couple of those strategies now.

Goal Setting

If you are unclear on what your goal should be, or how to get out of a rut, look at each area of your life. Spend time reflecting on the areas of your life and make mental notes of the areas that are working and the areas with a bit of dysfunction. Those areas may include family, friends, health, career, finances, physical/geographic location, hobbies, or your love life. Begin by determining on a scale of one to ten (ten being best) how you feel about each of those areas.

After you determine which area has the lowest number, or the area where you’d like to focus, think about what you can do to make that area rank higher on the scale, or even a ten! The process of thinking about what you can do to change the ranking is a great step in identifying objectives that will help you to create change. The next step is to identify goals that will give you the greatest opportunity to achieve the objective you desire. One useful guide in goal setting is to create “SMART” goals. SMART goals were developed by George Doran, Arthur Miller and James Cunningham in their 1981 article “There's a S.M.A.R.T. way to write management goals and objectives”. “SMART” stands for:

Specific – allows for focus on a specific course of action
Measurable – gives you the ability to determine progress
Attainable – or actionable in this case, meaning it requires action from you
Realistic – high probability of success given your resources and ability
Timely - relates to when you will complete the objective.

Create your goals and make sure they are “SMART”! Once you establish your smart goals, identify the action steps that you can take to achieve your goals. The actions steps that you create are the roadmap to your breakthrough!

Now the quest begins. Your goals are defined, action steps are in order, and it is time to start the journey that will make your vision the new reality! The action steps are the start of your quest for change because, in many ways, making the action steps your new routine is figuratively like swimming against the current in a flowing river. You mind and body will resist complying with your attempt to move in a different direction. You may feel physically and emotionally uneasy, or even drained, and the only thing that will ensure lasting positive change will be your sheer determination. You will need to remain disciplined and consistent despite your feelings. More on discipline and consistency in our next edition!

Professional Coaching from Hope Byus LLC